It was not so difficult after all!

After weighing all the options, and at odd times even deliberating on all the options, I decided to go for the last one. (If you’re wondering what this is all about, read my previous blog or click here). And it was not so difficult. For one, I took the decision only after the emotional reaction had subsided. And the other reason being it was the best option for me to choose. Choosing any of the other options would only have left me angry and bitter. So now you know why. But the little miracle was that all of this happened within 36 hours! I had to meet this person on Sunday morning. I realized, quite contrary to what I had expected, I was able to look boldly into his face and smile and talk and be my usual cheery self. Not a twinge of disappointment remained and naturally, the hurt had all been forgotten. And today, I’m completely free!

The sea is calm and a peaceful azure blue! :-)

One of life’s lessons …

I know this was intended to be a ‘happy’ place with just the nice things. The clouds, the rain, the thorns, the disappointments were kept at bay. Well today, I had to really come to terms with the fact that I needed to treat rain and sunshine alike. Or the roses and thorns alike. And I know I’m sounding so clichéd! It just so happens that I made up my mind I would never ever let on if I was blue. That I would bury myself and hide until I was ready to face sunshine again. And I realized well, that’s not healthy. So here I am, sharing something that I hope will make some sense to others too.

And if you’re wondering what brought all this on, here it is. It was a kind of betrayal. (Sounds like such a strong word. I’ll change it when I find a not-so-strong word for it.) Have you ever felt that strange feeling when someone you value a lot and look up to deliberately does a nasty act that shocks you? It happened to me yesterday for the first time ever and I was, naturally, upset.

And to ensure that I don’t waste more than a couple of days feeling the sadness, I have three courses of action:
- Ignore this person completely. I’m pretty good at it. But then I would have to face the pain if I were to see this person again.
- Retaliate. Well, I would have to think A LOT. ‘Cos it’s hard and I’m not good at it.
- Pretend it never happened and continue relating to this person. Which means when I feel blue the next time, the episode would in all probability cascade into a bigger mountain inside my head.
- Tell myself, it’s a down-phase and accept it.
- Genuinely forgive. Which means I need to come to terms with the episode and even though I try to find a logical reason (my great big weakness) for it, I stand the risk of not being able to find one. And I have to still say, it’s ok. And smile.

I’ll be honest. I don’t think right now I’m emotionally stable enough to do something about it. I’m letting the dust settle. Only for a day, at the most. Can’t afford to go on feeling bad.

My wish list ...

I first saw this lovely poem as a child. It was captured in a cheap frame and hung behind a door with a few cobweb strands clinging to it. I don't think the owner ever realized its true worth. For me, there was a quiet reassurance that took hold of me as I read through those words. I had found words to define my search for a deeper meaning to life. Despite the dusty, faded appearance, the words spoke to me then. I chanced upon it again and I realized, the power of the words had not faded. So, here it is for others who just might be looking for something to see life through. (By the way, Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be desired.")

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Thank you, Max Ehrmann, for these words that even today stand bright and bold.

That’s two milestones!

Suddenly I find myself having completed a couple of significant milestones. I’ve completed a whole year at work and a year of staying by myself! When I look back today, I have no clue as to how I did it and I have no answers as to what made last year special and whiz past at a deliriously happy pace. I do know that each day, I went to bed happy and woke up smiling at the blue sky. Well, almost every day. The day in between was exciting too! Sometimes bittersweet, sometimes sweet ‘n sour and the rest of the times, mingled with all the other flavors that you can think of.:-)

I feel just great when I look back. It’s been a year of no regrets, tons of surprises and of course, discovering a rare kind of love. My sweetie-pie, thank you for loving me, just the way I am. You’re truly precious. And yes, my very special friends who were always there for me. Thanks guys, you’re just wonderful – Bee, Unnicha, Venks, and Arvind-Devi. Mom, Dad and Dave - What can I say? All the thank yous of the world would not suffice! And my friends at work – Mr. Rajendran, Vidya, Babu and the rest with whom I spent most of my waking hours, a BIG thank you. And God, you’re just super-duper fabulous!